Give Me Money

So, I decided that it's much harder to be serious than it is to be funny (though futurewife might argue against that point). Case in point, I sent an email to my friends demanding they give me money. It was an extremely easy email to write because I didn't have to think about anything, I just wrote it, not worrying about any repercussions because I know my friends and I know they'll understand.

I really wanted to send the same email to my coworkers, but I don't think that would have been appropriate. Instead of humor, I had to bribe them with a sexy picture of myself while trying to be as professional as possible.

Which email would make you more likely to part with some of your hard earned cash?

Friend Email

Hi Everybody,

I know you love spam email, so consider this my gift to you. In exchange for this wonderful, amazing, genuinely human-written message, I only ask that you give me $200. Cold. Hard. Cash. Or check, or credit card. Really, whatever way you want to give it to me (how much do goats go for these days?).

The reason that I am extorting this money from you is because I signed up to do the American Diabetes Association's Tour de Cure which is, of course, for diabetes (or rather, it's to combat diabetes - the proceeds aren't going to help advance the disease, in fact, just the opposite). And since nothing in life is free, not even a nice 30 mile bike ride (or did I sign up for 60 miles - give me moneyand I'll tell you!), I need to raise at least $200 to even enter the race.

I can already hear your responses, in my mind, so I've formulated some responses

"I can't believe he's asking for money in this down economy!"

I only hang out with rich people, so that's totally not applicable.

"I don't even like biking - in fact, I aim for them when I drive"

Luckily, you don't have to bike (or even see a bike for that matter!) - you just have to pay me to bike and I'll bike on your behalf. It's like you're exercising by proxy. Because of that, you can sit back, relax and drink beer knowing that you are working to get in peak physical shape.

"Who is diabetes again?"

Diabetes is not a person, it's a disease, and the $200 that I collect will be the direct cause of a cure being found. By extension, you will be the direct cause for finding the cure to diabetes with any money that you give me - how's that for the moral high ground? Just think - any argument that you have you can trump with "oh yea? Well I cured diabetes." Argument over.

"$200 is expensive - can I donate less?"

No, $200 is the minimum for you specifically to donate. In fact, if you don't donate $200 to the cause bad things will happen (also, you need to forward this email to 7 people). Just kidding! You can donate whatever you want. Plus - tax write off!

"No thanks Justin"

Wrong.

I've clearly addressed all of your concerns, so please click this link to donate me some dolla dolla bills, y'all. Give me money here!

Hopefully that link works, if it doesn't, you can go here: http://tour.diabetes.org and click on the "Donate" button, type in my name (it's Justin Fabian, in case you've forgotten), click on "Find a Rider", then click on my name (I'm with Team Accenture) and then click the big red button that says "Click Here to Sponsor Me"

Thanks everybody!

Work Email

Dear Federal Contract Managers,

As you may or may not know, Team Accenture is participating in this year’s American Diabetes Association’s Tour de Cure on June 20^th. Team Accenture has a goal of raising $10,000 for the ADA. I am going to help the team, and more importantly, the fight against diabetes, by participating in the race.

The Tour de Cure is a wonderful charity cycling event held annually to raise money for the ADA. The funds raised benefit diabetes research and education.

While this will be Accenture’s third consecutive year participating in the Tour de Cure, it will be my first. However, just because it’s my first time in the show, I don’t want you to think you won’t be getting your money’s worth from your donation. I will be racing what is called a metric century, which is a hair over 62 miles. It will likely take me over 3.5 hours to complete (so when you’re calculating your donations divide it by 3.5 and think of the excellent cost per hour rate you’re getting!).

To some of you this may seem like cruel and unusual punishment, but to me it’s cruel and unusual punishment for a good cause. Diabetes affects 23.6 million Americans (nearly 8% of the population), but none more important to me than one of my best friends, who has lived with Type 1 diabetes for nearly her entire life.

I encourage you to get more information on diabetes even if you don’t donate with me today. The ADA is truly a great cause. Diabetes.org is the ADA’s website and contains a wealth of information on the disease.

If you would like to donate with me today to help Team Accenture reach our $10,000 goal, please click on this link: Donate here! I realize that the suggested gift amount starts at $250, but please don’t let that put you off. Any donation amount will be greatly appreciated as you help the American Diabetes Association in the battle against diabetes.

And as a sign of good faith, here is a picture of me in my full biking regalia (that alone is worth the cost of admission!).

Thank you so much for your help with this truly noble cause.

Sincerely,

Justin Fabian

Busy Month or How I Came to Buy a Sweet TV Stand

I wonder how many other mundane blog's have this exact same title (Note: I changed the title - this first part was written prior to adding everything after "or"). I'm sure lots of people that you have no interest in reading about have busy months occasionally. Fortunately for me, you either don't exist or do have an interest in reading about my busy month.

I'll start off with the fact that I bought a house. This makes any month above average in busyness.

Of course, with buying a new house comes moving. We didn't hire movers, instead opting to bribe our friends with promises of "free beer" and "free pizza." Little did they know it was in the "free as in speech" variety, and not "free as in beer." (Sorry - lame Internet joke; everybody did get tangible pizza and beer!).

Of course, there was all of the normal unpacking and realizing that we didn't have stuff that we just sort of assumed we had. The first thing I did was to hook up the sound system, which was a bit problematic because I'm not one for cable management, and there were an s-ton of wires hanging out.

This led us to realize that we needed a TV stand. This is great until we realized that I have something like 7 components not including the TV. The situation (all those playing the Jersey Shore drinking game now have to take a shot) was further exacerbated by the fact that my center channel speaker is two feet wide and 8 inches tall (and 14 inches deep for those keeping track at home). You've probably never looked for a stand that has a place to put a center channel speaker that is that large, but let me tell you, it greatly reduces your options.

Being the schmuck that I am, I went to Best Buy to look at some stands. Of course, I sort of gravitated toward their Magnolia section, which contains their outrageously overprice items and saw a beauty of a stand - it even matched the color of my speakers exactly. However, upon looking at the price tag I realized that we might have to figure something else out.

I asked the associate that revived me after viewing the price of that unit what else he had. I was pretty specific (no open backs - I hate cable management), and aside from the $1500 stand I had just seen, there was one other stand for $600. It didn't match as well and it might not fit everything, so I had to consult the future-wife.

She liked it OK but we kept looking (also, I would have had to sand down part of the stand to fit in the speaker). Her parents' belong to Direct Buy which is a way to get name brand furniture for less, somehow. They didn't have the stand, of course, so we kept looking.

We tried looking at some different styles. I saw an entertainment center at Wal-Mart and tried to convince myself that this was the one we should get. It wasn't a bad stand per se, but it was from Wal Mart.

I swallowed my pride and told the almost-wife that this is the one we should get. She was at work so she didn't get my email, and in the meantime, I happened upon the website of a now defunct high-end local electronics retailer MyerEmco. They were going out of business and they just happened to carry the brand of stand I liked so much originally.

They consolidated all of their merchandise into the Bailey's Crossroad store on the previous day, so I knew if I wanted to check out their stuff, I would have to do it ASAP. The problem was that it's like an hour trip to get there in traffic. I was about 5 minutes away from not going because "what are the chances they would have what I want?", but I sucked it up and went anyway.

I walked around the store and saw several nice stands, but they weren't big enough and they were displays, so they had scratches and wear on them. I had given up looking and started to walk around the store for other fun items that I didn't need (the store is a cornucopia of fun stuff for a tech guy like myself), but also couldn't pass up at these clearance prices.

Discouraged but not surprised, I made one final lap around the store before I was going to leave. It was then, much like Ralphie from A Christmas Story, I noticed a box in the back of the store. I went over and noticed it was the brand that I liked and in the color that I needed.

My heart started racing.

I pulled out my phone and looked up the model number. This wasn't exactly the stand that I saw several days earlier, but it was very similar to it, and best of all, it would fit all of my components.

I flagged down an associate and asked him how much. He told me $650 - less than half the retail price, and I told him I would take it (without even consulting the budget-master-to-be!).

I came back the next day with a truck and a buddy, took it home, set it up, and then set up my kegerator (Sam Adam's Boston Lager on tap). Until I'm ready to pick up my pinball machine, my place is now done (except, of course, for everything else).