Give Me Money

So, I decided that it's much harder to be serious than it is to be funny (though futurewife might argue against that point). Case in point, I sent an email to my friends demanding they give me money. It was an extremely easy email to write because I didn't have to think about anything, I just wrote it, not worrying about any repercussions because I know my friends and I know they'll understand.

I really wanted to send the same email to my coworkers, but I don't think that would have been appropriate. Instead of humor, I had to bribe them with a sexy picture of myself while trying to be as professional as possible.

Which email would make you more likely to part with some of your hard earned cash?

Friend Email

Hi Everybody,

I know you love spam email, so consider this my gift to you. In exchange for this wonderful, amazing, genuinely human-written message, I only ask that you give me $200. Cold. Hard. Cash. Or check, or credit card. Really, whatever way you want to give it to me (how much do goats go for these days?).

The reason that I am extorting this money from you is because I signed up to do the American Diabetes Association's Tour de Cure which is, of course, for diabetes (or rather, it's to combat diabetes - the proceeds aren't going to help advance the disease, in fact, just the opposite). And since nothing in life is free, not even a nice 30 mile bike ride (or did I sign up for 60 miles - give me moneyand I'll tell you!), I need to raise at least $200 to even enter the race.

I can already hear your responses, in my mind, so I've formulated some responses

"I can't believe he's asking for money in this down economy!"

I only hang out with rich people, so that's totally not applicable.

"I don't even like biking - in fact, I aim for them when I drive"

Luckily, you don't have to bike (or even see a bike for that matter!) - you just have to pay me to bike and I'll bike on your behalf. It's like you're exercising by proxy. Because of that, you can sit back, relax and drink beer knowing that you are working to get in peak physical shape.

"Who is diabetes again?"

Diabetes is not a person, it's a disease, and the $200 that I collect will be the direct cause of a cure being found. By extension, you will be the direct cause for finding the cure to diabetes with any money that you give me - how's that for the moral high ground? Just think - any argument that you have you can trump with "oh yea? Well I cured diabetes." Argument over.

"$200 is expensive - can I donate less?"

No, $200 is the minimum for you specifically to donate. In fact, if you don't donate $200 to the cause bad things will happen (also, you need to forward this email to 7 people). Just kidding! You can donate whatever you want. Plus - tax write off!

"No thanks Justin"

Wrong.

I've clearly addressed all of your concerns, so please click this link to donate me some dolla dolla bills, y'all. Give me money here!

Hopefully that link works, if it doesn't, you can go here: http://tour.diabetes.org and click on the "Donate" button, type in my name (it's Justin Fabian, in case you've forgotten), click on "Find a Rider", then click on my name (I'm with Team Accenture) and then click the big red button that says "Click Here to Sponsor Me"

Thanks everybody!

Work Email

Dear Federal Contract Managers,

As you may or may not know, Team Accenture is participating in this year’s American Diabetes Association’s Tour de Cure on June 20^th. Team Accenture has a goal of raising $10,000 for the ADA. I am going to help the team, and more importantly, the fight against diabetes, by participating in the race.

The Tour de Cure is a wonderful charity cycling event held annually to raise money for the ADA. The funds raised benefit diabetes research and education.

While this will be Accenture’s third consecutive year participating in the Tour de Cure, it will be my first. However, just because it’s my first time in the show, I don’t want you to think you won’t be getting your money’s worth from your donation. I will be racing what is called a metric century, which is a hair over 62 miles. It will likely take me over 3.5 hours to complete (so when you’re calculating your donations divide it by 3.5 and think of the excellent cost per hour rate you’re getting!).

To some of you this may seem like cruel and unusual punishment, but to me it’s cruel and unusual punishment for a good cause. Diabetes affects 23.6 million Americans (nearly 8% of the population), but none more important to me than one of my best friends, who has lived with Type 1 diabetes for nearly her entire life.

I encourage you to get more information on diabetes even if you don’t donate with me today. The ADA is truly a great cause. Diabetes.org is the ADA’s website and contains a wealth of information on the disease.

If you would like to donate with me today to help Team Accenture reach our $10,000 goal, please click on this link: Donate here! I realize that the suggested gift amount starts at $250, but please don’t let that put you off. Any donation amount will be greatly appreciated as you help the American Diabetes Association in the battle against diabetes.

And as a sign of good faith, here is a picture of me in my full biking regalia (that alone is worth the cost of admission!).

Thank you so much for your help with this truly noble cause.

Sincerely,

Justin Fabian